Dealing With Headaches

Appropriate topic for the last day of the year, eh? Well, this year I’ve had write do no less than twenty articles on the topic of colon cleansing (fifteen so far have been published — perhaps it’s for the best that the other five are floating around in an obscure patch of cyberspace). I’m a freelance writer who has to pretty much write about anything anyone will pay me to write. Perhaps that’s one reason why I get a lot of headaches and migraines. I couldn’t help but notice all of the claims made by makers of these colon cleaning products — one of which was that colon cleansing can cure migraines.

Don’t You Believe It

Since no one knows for sure what causes migraines, it is not reasonable to believe that colon cleansing can cure migraines. There is a time and a place for colon cleansing, but if you expect colon cleansing to cure migraines, you will be in for a rude shock. Colon cleansing helps your digestive system and not much else.

And PLEASE, before you do any colon cleansing or any fasting, talk to your doctor. A lot of colon cleansing programs require fasting, which can be dangerous for some people, including diabetics, those with low blood pressure and those who have to take essential daily medicines with food.

Why Colon Cleansing?

Now, I know colon cleansing has a lot of supporters, and I really don’t want to receive any more hate mail than I already get. So let me say this in support of colon cleansing. When would a colon cleanse be beneficial?

• If you have extreme constipation (pooping should not be a weekly event).
• As part of a closely monitored detoxification program for those getting off drugs, nicotene or alcohol. It makes you feel like your body has a fresh start. Psychologically, it can help people struggling to overcome temptation on occassion.
• You’ll often have to take a colon cleanse medication or some other powerful laxative before surgery, depending on your condition.
• If you are really, really, really into poopping.

The Healing Crisis

If you do any kind of detoxification or colon cleansing program — even a juice fast — you will most likely get a killer headache, as well as feeling like you have the flu. Some people’s symptoms vary. This is called a “healing crisis”, and is usually explained as your body’s response to purging toxins from itself.

However, I have not been able to find out what toxins are suppossed to be purged in order for for something like colon cleansing to cure a migraine.

The killer headache seems to be from screwing around with your usual diet. Even when you cut out foods that are bad and drinks for you, you may get a killer headache. This is more of a withdrawal response than a cleaning out response. This headache will eventually go away on it’s own…after about three days. This is similar to caffeine withdrawal migraine.

In conclusion, colon cleansing can’t cure migraines. Don’t fall for this rather wacky claim. If you have migraines, you need to go to your doctor, keep a migraine journal and treat the pain as best you can.

Hope this helps.

You might wonder where I get some of the topics for this blog, as I have to come up with five posts a week. Quite a lot of this blog is based on my own head pains, and the head pains of my family. I get a lot of different kinds of head pains, but not that many (thankfully). And I am painfully aware that your kind of headache or migraine might not have been mentioned yet in the archive category folders to the right. So, if you can’t find the information you need here, you can click these links to see if they help you get on the right track. Hope this helps.

Latest Medical News For Headaches And Migraines

Medical News Today Number one in Google for “headache News” and number one with me.
Headache & Migraine News in Topix Updated almost daily, unlike the former link.
NBC10 News Health Watch (a very good news station here in the greater Philadelphia area, which also links into national news feeds).

Blogs For Those With Headaches And Migraines

Somebody Heal Me: The Musings of a Chronic Migraineur by Diana Lee, who has been doing this blogging thing longer than I have.
Headche and Migraine News Blog by James, where as he claims, it’s time to fight back against the pain.
Migraine Chick which every now and then chronicles the adventures of Migraine Barbie.

General Information & Advice

MAGNUM (not associated with Tom Selleck) The website of the National Migraine Association…yes, there is a National Migraine Association. Stop laughing.
The Mayo Clinic (yes, THAT Mayo Clinic.) Good for what ails ya.
My Migraine Connection.com A little bit of everything

Woot. A French team of scientists have announced something that may help clear up the mystery as to why we get migraines. A part of the brain called the hypothalamus gets very active when a person is suffering a migraine. This is leading the researchers to believe that migraines do not have one cause, but that a chain reaction has to occur, of which the hypothalamus seems to play a big role.

The Details

The study was done at France’s Ranqueil Hospital. The goal was to capture what the brain goes through when a migraine attack happens naturally, NOT induced. In order to see what the brain was up to, Positron Emission Topography (PET)was used. PET is yet another scanning machine, but you don’t have to be in that little tunnel like with other scanning machines. PET shows what areas of the brain are currently active during specific times.

They hoped to study migraines without aura, as they are the most frequent types of migraines. They got their wish. Seven migraineurs volunteered to have their heads examined. When they felt a migraine coming on, they went to the hopsital without taking any medications or therapies. Their brains would get PET scanned within three hours to get an accurrate scan.

Why not just induce a migraine? They hypothalamus does not get busy then, and the hypothalamus has long been a brain organ of interest in the cause of migraines. It had been suspected that the brain reacts differenetly when a migraine is induced than when one just comes from out of the blue. And they were right.

Hypothalamus activity was previously caught before cluster headaches (which are different from migraines). According to Professor Peter Goadsby of the institute of Nuerology at University College London:

The area [of the hypothalamus] reported as activated in migraine is about 10mm more anterior than the cluster headache area.

What Does This Mean?

It’s a tad bit difficult to cure anything if you don’t know it’s cause. Although the cause of migraines is still unknown, at least this latest study helps show how to better focus future studies. In other words, the haystack that our needle is in has just suddenly got a lot smaller.

Pediatric migraines usually refers to migraines in children under the age of 19. You can get migraines at almost any age — I sware I had one in my crib — and the pain is arguably worse for the parents than for the children. Unfortunately, very small children can’t keep a headache journal to figure out the triggers for their migraines. To parents, pediatric migraine triggers are going to be a total mystery. Treating pediatric migranes usually cvoncentrates on pain relief. Here, alternative remedies can help ease the pain, alone or in combination with over the counter drugs.

Why Alternative Treatments?

Some parents are wary — and rightly so — about just giving any old pill to their kids to kill the pain. Some are worried that adult medications (and even children’s medications) are still too strong for their young child or there may be a bad side effect lurking in the shadows. Lots of clinical trials for medicines are geared toward adults or teens but not little children.

Also, if you can’t get to the doctor or pediatrician, your child still needs pain relief. Some alternative therapies help without the need for a perscription. Some are quite complicated, like acupuncture, and needs the cooperation of your pediatrician to help for long-term therapy.

In the Meantime (and it’s a Mean Time)

Here are some home remedies that can often help ease the pain in pediatric migraines. As each child is an individual, each will have individual reactions. These are very mild remedies, unlike some folk remedies.

• Get the child to lie down in a dark room. Sleeping through a pediatric migraine can often be the best medicine.
• Apply cold compresses to the head, especially if the child complains about pain in one or both eyes. Hot compresses have been reported to help with some children. My Mom used to have me take a warm bath in a completely dark bathroom. This helped me to relax and not panic.
• Some scents help children relax and breathe deeply. Lavender, chamomile, frankinscence or peppermint can help a child breathe deeper and relax. Don’t put any scent on the child unless it is therapuetic grade essential oils, with lavender being the safest. If your child is allergic to ragweed, then avoid chamomile. If the child starts complaining the smell is making things worse, then forget it, but at least you tried.
• For nausea, peppermint hard candy can help. Some kids prefer candied ginger or ginger snaps.
• Sticking your hands or feet in warm water at the first sign of migraine can often help lessen the intensity of the pain.
• Tell your child — whether you think they understand or not — that the pain will eventually go away. Try not to act too upset, or your child may wonder if there is anything you are not telling him or her.

Please don’t use this article in the place of a pediatrician’s advice. Hope this helps.

This isn’t exactly a recall, but this is what the FDA calls “a public health warning”. The FDA issued a recall for the fentanyl pain patch on December 21. As far as I know, these weren’t made in China, but still can be dangerous. The fentanyl pain patch is sometimes used by migraineurs, (even though the FDA says you’re not suppossed to) so that’s why I’m giving you the news here. If you don’t use the pain patch to treat your migraines, go have a cookie and I’ll see you tomorrow.

What Is The Pain Patch?

This is a way of delivering a narcotic painkiller through skin absorption for those with a variety of chronic pains. This is NOT for temporary pain. This is for people who are not opiod-tolerant or who cannot take other kinds of heavy-duty pain medications. This is also for people who can tolerate a patch.

Ideally, a patch delivers painkillers bit by bit. Those intolerent to patches have the wonderful ability to absorb all of the painkiller or medication all at once.

The fentanyl pain patch also does not play well with some other medications. Anyone taking a pain patch (or any medication or alternative treatment) should tell their doctor all of the medicines or herbs or supplements they are currently on. For example, if you are taking anti-depressants, stay away from St John’s Wort, a potent herb known for it’s anti-depressant properties. The St. John’s Wort and the anti-depressants cancel each other out, so you wind up without any needed antidepressant at all.

What’s The Problem With The Patch?

Actually, the FDA does not recommend the pain patch for headaches or migraines, but notes that doctors will perscribe them for headaches or migraines, anyway. The FDA notes that there seems to be a general confusion as to how to use the pain patch.

The problem is that too much fentanyl can be absorbed into the bloodstream, which can kill you. Death is definately not recommended for maintaining good health. This is especially true when you place a heat source or a heating pad on the pain patch on your skin. You shouldn’t even go out into the hot sun when wearing a pain patch. Signs that you are in trouble include severe trouble breathing, shallow breathing and/or a fever of 102 degrees F or higher while wearing the patch.

Much thanks to Diana Lee over at her excellent blog, Somebody Heal Me, for the heads up. Go tell her thanks.

Hope this helps.

Often, when you get a really pounding migraine, your senses get amplified. Light becomes painfully blinding and everyday sounds seem to transform into explosions in your head. This sound sensitvity is known as phonophobia (which, oddly enough, does not mean “fear of noise”). When waiting for the migraine medicine or alternative treatment to kick in, you need to relax and not wince at every little noise.

One treatment for phonophobia caused by migraines is to turn on white noise.

What is White Noise?

No predudice is implied with the term “white noise”. Nor is white noise affiliated with the pop group White Stripes. Just like white light is composed of all colors, so white noise is composed of all frequencies noises can make. When all of the frequencies are on at the same time, you can’t hear most of them, because they cancel each other out. White noise machines — also called wave machines — are little digital clock-looking devices that mimic ocean waves, rainfall, river rapids — it’s a soothing constant noise.

Some people like the sound of television static, although getting that is getting harder and harder to find. Personally, I find television static grates on my nerves, so I don’t use it. But if it works for you, you have my envy.

My Dad used an air conditioner as a white noise machine, but due to the costs of running an air conditioner 365 nights a year, I don’t recommend this route. There are even CDs and tapes available of white noise that are far more affordable. If you live near the beach, then you can use the normal nighttime noises of the surf as your “white noise machine”.

How Does This Work?

When you use white noise for migraines, you need to turn on the white noise as soon as you realise that one is coming. The American Chronicle reveals that some migraine-prone people have staved off a full blown attack by merely turning on white noise machines. If you couldn’t see (or feel) the migraine coming, then white noise machines can at least lessen painful phonophobia.

It is thought that most noises that really hurt people with phonophobia are sudden noises, which white noise can often mask. A continual, soothing sound seems to calm the ears in the way a nice massage can calm the body.

It’s important to know what can trigger a migraine for you. This is why doctors recommend keeping a headache journal. For some people, certian sounds can trigger their migraines. A white noise machine on all the time can help to prevent migraines for them. Perhaps one day we can get white noise treatment machines for migraines on perscription, as American Chronicle suggests.

Sounds good to me. Hope this helps.

Even though there are hundred of blogs, magazine articles and television news segments devoted to migraines and headaches, there’s still a lot we don’t know about them. Just having a headache could be the symptom of hundreds of conditions or maladies. And there is still no general consensus on what causes a migraine — just a few theories. This is stuff we need to know and we need more headache research funding in order to find this stuff out.

Here’s A New Year’s Resolution For You

Want to get 2008 off to a flying start? Lets get some grassroots action going for more headache research funding! Growl at your Congressional representatives to stop wasting money with [insert your most hated government money wasting project here] and start spending money wisely by funding research for headaches and migraines. The best time to get their attention in this election year is in the EARLY part of the year (January and February, preferably.) By August, they won’t be paying attention to much else besides the polls.

In September, a group of doctors and headache suffers went to Washington, DC to speak about the need for more headache research fuinding. Considering that an estimated 28 million Americans are afflicted with headaches, why NOT invest in discovering the causes and finding better, safer treatments? Think of all the time you spend with headaches of one sort or another. I know that if I’ve put all the time together I spent being sidelined by a headache or migraine, I would have had at least two years to do something else.

Real Numbers

NBC news estimates that the cost of treating migraines and headaches in America costs at least $13 billion per year in lost time at work, work mistakes made because of pain, and work that has to be redone.

Migraines are considered the 12th most disabling conditions among Americans.

In 2006, only $10 million in total was spent on funding headache research, which is about 0.05% of the total budget for the National Institute of Health.

What Can You Do?

There’s a couple things you can do to spread grassrroots action for more headache research funding. Check out the relatively new website, which will be fully functional in January, the Alliance for Headache Disorders Advocacy, download the flier, distribute it and then bother your representatives.

Hopefully, our suffering will be given a higher priority in time to affect the 2009 NIH budget. Although one of the best things you can do to ease headache pain is to lie down, that tactic often does work in influencing Congress.

Life, I’m sure as you know, is not fair. You can get headaches for the strangest of reasons — the barometric pressure drops, you forgot your morning cup of coffee, you inhertied strange genes. If life were fair, then those who get headaches would only be those who deserved to get headaches. If I were to be in charge of who would get headaches (and by trying to offend as small a portion of readers as possible) the causes of headaches would be the following:

Punching Another Person’s Head

As John Lennon said, “Instant karma’s gonna get you,” and wouldn’t this prove it?

WRITING ON THE INTERNET IN ALL CAPS

Doesn’t matter if it’s an email, on a forum, posting comments on a 451 Press blog or an entire web page, this needs to be stopped. As soon as someone writes in all capitals and hits that “send” or “publish” button, WHAM, cluster headache that only having your keyboard taking away from you can cure.

Pet Store Owners Who Buy From Puppy Mills (And They ALL Do)

My “pet peeve”.

Anybody Who Uses 2 Cell Phones At Once

Yes, I have actually seen this in both America and England. Believe it or not, there was a long time when our species did just fine without picking up a cell phone every ten minutes.

People Who Say “It’s Not The Heat, It’s The Humidity”

Saying it once a year is ok. Saying it to every person you meet for six months should give you an icepick headache every time you say it. Then you’ll know what your listeners are going through.

Paris Hilton

Self explanatory.

People Who Can’t Take A Joke

I mean those people who have to send bloggers and writers flaming lectures consisting almost entirely of various combinations of swear words because we dared tried to bring some healing laughter to the world. I do a lot of humor on this blog for a reason — if anyone needs a good laugh, it’s someone who gets chronic headaches. And having a good laugh can help you strengthen your immune system and trigger your own body’s self-healing.

Have a stress free and pain free weekend.

If you were thinking of applying for Alexa Pharmaceuticals Phase 2a cinical trial for their promising new acute migraine drug, AZ-104, forget it. Yesterday, Alexa announced that they have reached the target enrollment of 160 migarineurs for their latest clinical trial. This clinical trial is billed as being:

in-clinic, multi-center, randomized, double-blind, single-administration, placebo-controlled study in approximately 160 migraine patients with or without aura.

The 160 volunteers will be given the drug (or a placebo — they won’t know) when they are having a miagraine attack and then checked on two hours later to see if there is any improvement. They hope to get the results of this clinical trial sorted out by spring of 2008.

What Is AZ-104?

Sounds like the name of an android or a bad vanity licence plate, doesn’t it? It’s the pronounceable name of staccato loxapine. For those of you who recognise this drug by that name alone, I’m either really impressed or really leery of you. AZ-104 is a lower dose of AZ-004, which is an anti-psychotic drug, used for bipolar patients, those suffering from schitzophrenia and dementia. AZ-004 is specifically to treat the extreme agitation and panic attacks these states can bring on.

Somewhere along the line, it was discovered that a lower dose of AZ-004 could help ease acute migraines. Personally, I wish they would change the name of “acute migraines.” There’s absolutely nothing cute about them. “Apocolyptic migraines” might be a more accurate name. The usualy difference between acute migraines and just about any other type of migraine is that they happen more frequently, usually about once a week, or at least once a month.

The National Headache Foundation estimates that there are about 13 million Americans with acute migraines out of the 29.5 million migraine sufferers in America.

It is hoped that AZ-104 would be especially beneficial to those people who can’t take triptans or who take triptans and find them ineffective.

Only time and the eventual migraines of the 160 brave volunteers will tell.

For those of you into the intracies of business, stocks and fact checking, Alexa has teamed with Symphony Captial LLC in 2006 in order to develop both AZs, as well as a sibling, AZ-002. This hybrid of the two, Symphony Allegro, Inc, is funding the clinical trial. If you can follow that, than chances are you don’t currently have a migraine. I think I can follow this, despite my lack of head pain at the moment, but personally, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.

You ever discover what was the cause of a major pain in your body and felt let down? For example, I had a rather excrutiating migraine in my left eye last week. I thought I’d grown a tumor, or something equally dramatic. But then I took a pill for draining my sinuses, and that was it with the migraine.

One the one hand, I’m glad the pain is gone. On the other — clogged sinuses — that was ALL? And it was that painful? Am I a total wuss? How will I be able to handle something REALLY bad? So, in a way, I can feel a bit let down after a migraine cure.

And, perhaps more importantly, who is going me any sympathy for developing a migraine from clogged sinuses? On the one hand, it was almost better when it was this pain hit out of the blue, and the source of the pain was a total mystery. People would gasp, cross themselves and mutter “There for the grace of God go I.” Even my Mom eventually said, “Will you get OVER it if you won’t go to the doctor!”

You can’t get much sympathy from a stuffed up head. At least, I can’t.

Of course, I don’t help myself much from refusing to go see the doctor. But when you have migraine pain, you have absolutley not ability to stay upright, let alone wait for a day in a doctor’s waiting room blaring Jerry Spinger so I can have the privilege of being ignored for ten minutes by the Great Doctor Him/Her/Itself.

And You Can’t Get Out Of Work

One of the disadvantages of telecommuting is that I don’t have a good excuse for missing work. When I was in retail and I had a migraine, I’d have to spend all day/night in bed in a dark room with my eyes closed — but at least that’s all I was responsible for. Now I’m telecommuting and get a migraine in the moring, I can’t quite call out and know how the rest of my day is going to go. That’s definately a letdown after a migraine cure.

Nope. I have to wait a few hours until the pain dies to a dull roar — and then realize I’m now about six hours behind schedule and have to type like a maniac in order to get an entire day’s work done. I used to relax and watch some TV at 7pm — no more, I’m still at work.

The best help for a leftdown after a migraine cure (or any other kind of cure) is a good round of complaining!

Back to the usual “Dealing With Headaches” chatter tomorrow.

I apologise right away for the title, but it was the best title I could think up, as I currently have a headache. It’s in my right eye (which is usually a sign that a migraine is coming to town) but it seems to be receeding on it’s own rather than getting worse. As you can probably guess from the title, this headache started when I was pooping. Which got me to thinking

Could I Die From A Headache After Pooping?

Oh, come on, I can’t be the only one who thinks that. Ever since Elvis passed away, the thought of spending your last moments of mortaility on the toilet dying from a headache after pooping has become yet another thing to fear.

There are times I think that that the headache I get after pooping isn’t just a headache. Could it be that a blood vessel has popped inside of my brain? Or perhaps my skull couldn’t take the pressure and shattered? Just from a poop? Could this happen?

Probably Not

You do build up a lot of pressure in your head by straining, which often includes gritting your teeth as you bear down. This all forces your blood pressure to go up, so you may feel as if you are about to have a stroke after a difficult poop. But the odds of you actually dying from a headache after pooping (especially if you are in general good health) is lower than being run over by an aardvark stampede.

(I wish I had some acutal clinical study numbers to prove that, but I don’t).

However…

If you have health like Elvis had, a headache after a poop could bring on an aneurysm. This is yet another reason to eat a healthy, well-balanced diet with plenty of fiber and water and get regular exercise. Water and fiber not only help keep you regular and help keep your blood pressure down, but give you a “full” feeling. Knowing what your blood pressure is can help you not die on the toilet.

And stay away from sideburns and rhinestones. I have this completely unproven theory that they can make your head explode if you are exposed to them too much.

And most of only make loosing weight as a New Year’s resolution.

ProEthic Pharmacueticals has applied for FDA approval of their new migraine drug, Pro-513, and, lo and behold, the application has been accepted. It is hoped Pro-513 can be released in July of 2008 after a final FDA review.

Never Heard Of ‘Em

Chances are, you haven’t heard of ProEthic Pharmaceuticals. I sure hadn’t. Do you think they were at all aware of Giant Pharma’s reputation when they picked the name? This actually is a Mini-Me of Pharmaceuticals, specialising in small niche products. They just celebrated their sixth anniversary. It’s curent headquarters are in Montgomery, Alabama.

Pro-513 has been kicking around in clinical trials for quite some time (long before I was hired to write this blog, anyway!) It showed some very promising results in January, 2007 and June of 2007. It is designed to be fast-acting as well as migraine-numbing. This is to be be for migraine attacks that have already begun, with or without auras.

So, What Is It?

Pro-513 is the much more pronounceable name of diclofenac potassium powder which has undergone ProEthic’s patented DBT process. DBT stands for Dynamic Buffering Technology. Don’t ask me what that’s suppossed to mean, other than it sounds really spiffy. I suppose it keeps your stomach from exploding like in those Alien films. Actually, it means that the active ingredients can be absorbed by your body more quickly with DBT than without it.

But really opens my eyes and gets my pulse going is that Pro-513 reduced migraine pain within thirty minutes of being taken. With my current medication (Excedrin Migraine), I have to take it before migraine symptoms really kick in. Pro-513 looks like it might help with full blown attacks. These clinical trials used nearly 700 people.

Since about 70% of people with migraines are “unsatisfied” with their current treatment choices, they might be helped soon with Pro-513. Let’s hope so. A few less migraines in the world might make this a less tense planet to live on…oh, and religious tolerance, too, but let’s not get silly.

Headaches and migraines can make people do desperate things to try and relieve the pain, like drilling holes into their heads. This was a treatment for severe headaches in the time of the Incas and was again performed in 1970 by lay person Amanda Fielding.

Before we proceed, let me make a couple of points EXTREMELY clear:

• Do not use this article — or any of the articles this links to — as a substitute for a proper medical diagnosis.
• Do NOT drill a hole in your own skull.
• If you have a sensitive stomach, you might want to skip the rest of this post. Se ya next week!
• Do NOT drill a hole in anyone else’s skull, even if they are really begging for it.

Right. Onwards.

What Were The Incas Thinking?

Unfortuntely, not many accurate and detailed medical records exist from when Inca doctors were drilling holes in people’s skulls. It has been theorised that their patients could have been suffering fram an anuerism or a massive head injury. Even today, part of the treatment requires (you guessed it) drilling a hole in the skull.

Incas were quite technologically advanced and, best of all, they were the original breeders of the domestic guinea pig. Their musical instruments, hydraulic technology and food preservation skills indicate they thought things out thoroughly before they did them. In other words, the Incas were smart cookies. They did things for a reason, not just on a hunch, or the desire to use human beings as…well, as guinea pigs.

For some people, it probably did work. There aren’t any records as to how much longer the patients lived after the procedure, but any time without migraine pain is quality time.

Amanda Fielding

Brace yourself before you check out this link to Amanda’s story, reprinted from the September 16, 2000 issue of New Scientist.

Unfortunately, the story does not mention exactly why Amanda needed to drill a hole into her own skull, although it did mention “mind-expanding expereinces”. It does go into quite a lot of detail about how she did it (with a dentist’s foot-pedal operated drill — yet another reason to be scared of dentists!) Techinically, this operation is called trepanning.

Yes — it’s done often enough to warrant it’s own name.

With further research I have discovered that Amanda filmed her own operation in 1970 and apparantly was now qualified to run for Parliment in 1978.

I am so glad that my strange migraine pain in my left eye seems to have been from clogged sinuses. I’d have to go to the dentist to get cured. I’d rather live with the pain.

I have a new head pain. It’s been in my left eye (not my right, as usual) for the past two or three days to varying degrees. I go to sleep with it and wake up with it. It eased off tremendously after I finished my Christmas shopping (Oh, God — I HOPE I’m done!) and I feel better know than I have in days — but what the heck happened? I still feel a dull ache, and my stomach is gradually getting used to food again, and I’m afraid it’ll come back.

Rena, You Should Go To The Doctor

I know I should go to the doctor. There’s no way I’m going to the doctor. If blood spurts out my eyeball, THEN I’ll go to the doctor (via an ambulance to the ER). Otherwise, I’m too scared to go to the doctor. I’m nearly as scared of the doctor as I am of the dentist. I live on poverty income, and so go to the welfare doctor, which means a visit to Collingdale can last an entire day. Last time, Jerry Springer was on the waiting room television and no was allowed to touch the Sacred TV Remote. The show was “I Pimp Out My Neice”. Oh, the humanity!

Besides, I’m the one who gives advice. I’m not supposed to take any advice. I’m not paid to take advice, but to give it. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

So, Google The New Head Pain

That’s a very good point. I can get paid to look up my worrisome internal turmoil. Let’s look together on Google, shall we?

First off, I’ll try “migraine left eye”.

Well, there’s a lot of adds and blah-blah-blah. I’m skipping people who ask questions in forums (although that can be a good source of information, but trying to interpet some people’s grammar is painful in an of itself). Here’s one — oh, I mean, click here.

Hmmm, seems we’ve landed on a forum — the very thing I was trying to avoid. Let’s see — according to the fine forum members, my pain could be sue to sinuses, complications from a catscan or trochleitis (inflammation of the eyeball! Isn’t that a comforting mental picture) Well, I haven’t had a catscan in a couple of years, so that’s out. My sinuses definately have been bad this past week.

So, perhaps this new migraine centered in the left eye could just be a head full of snot. I’ll try taking sinus draining medication for that.

Don’t try this at home, kids. If you have a head pain that you can’t figure out and it lasts more than a day, then for God’s sake go to the doctor. Just bring earplugs in case Jerry Springer is on.

If there is one thing that can help lower pain, it’s having someone to blame it on. Most people wind up blaming themselves, which is usually the wrong thing to do (unless you’ve done something really bone-headeded like drink too much or pick a fight with The Bionic Woman, then you better blame yourself). We are under an incredible amount of pressure during any holiday time that involves bad weather and giving an absurd amount of gifts.

Of course, we could just stop all the madness and just not buy anyone anything for Christmas, but that would make too much sense.

Anyway, who can we blame all of out December miseries on? That’s right — the bloody Victorians! If they weren’t already dead, I’d kill ‘em!

The Bloody Victorians

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a little green and pleasent land called England, ruled by the beloved Queen Victoria. This was a time when women basically had to stay at home and be kept working senselessly so they wouldn’t get organized. So the Victorians invented Christmas Dinner, the Christmas Tree, Santa Claus in his gift giving state, Christmas cards, Christmas carols and Christmas cake (which, thank God, just never caught on in America) and fiddling with tinsel and cleaning up after the dogs after they ate the tinsel.

Since England was considered the Fountain of Civilization, other countries had to follow England’s lead, especially former colonials like America and (to a certain extent) Canada. The traditions and keeping the women barefoot and pregnant by straining to achieve Perfect Christmas-dom were adopted and somehow, they just kept on keeping on.

Midwinter Festivals

Now, mid-winter festivals tended to always have some sort of feasting and celebration of the growing light. One of the points of the mid-winter festivals was faith that spring would return. Millenia ago, this was heavy stuff for our ancestors, wondering if spring would ever return. Somehow, deep in our genes, is the ancestral memory of living through the Ice Age. Having a big feast on the shortest day of the year was an incredible act of faith…that, and it was something to do.

The Victorians took this mid-winter feast and act of faith in the return of spring to an absurd extreme. Unfortunately, it caught like a virus and we can’t seem to find a good innoculation against it. As Latka once said in Taxi, “The only thing that seperates us from the animals are mindless superstitions and pointless rituals.”

So, have a headache because you realise you’ll never get all of your shopping and mailing packages off in time and still need to hold down a job? Now you know who to blame and swear bloody murder at. There. Don’t you feel much better now?

You’re welcome.